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Depression ruins a Marriage

May 13, 2007

hydrangeas.jpgMy life has been turned upside down(her depression) by my wife of eight years for some reason she has felt that I have been trying to change her which if far from it, no matter what she wanted to do I supported her in what ever endeavour she wanted to try and what job she wanted to do, I fully supported her no matter what but no she has decided that she no longer wishes to married because she is not sure who she is and wants a divorce I have waited patiently for her to decide when she wanted to become intimate again in our marriage, the past 6 years I can count on one hand the times that we have had any type of an intimate relationship.

I have told her that I will always love her no matter what and will do what she wants even though I know in my heart that it is the wrong step to take, in order for me to survive and to remain sane I have taken a job in another state because being so close to the lady that I love will be quite hard for me to handle so i felt that it was necessary to live and work in a another state. I have talked with her parents they are saddened to hear of her decision and i explained to them that it was not my decision but hers alone and that if she does change her mind i would come back to her in a heart beat.

dried_hydrangeas.jpgThere are two sides to every story, and I would rather her family be there for her because she needs the help and love of her family at this time. I dearly love her family and have enjoyed the interaction with them when I have been able to be there, and the closeness that I felt while being married to my wife, and wish to stay in contact with them because they made me feel welcome into their family, especially her brother who lives in Chicago and his wife and two kids, along with her parents who also live in near Chicago as well. They encouraged me to call them mom and dad after both of my parents had passed away, I will love them dearly for the love they have shown me while being married to their daughter.

While being married to their daughter who has shown me how live and love again after I had built a wall to keep from being hurt again, she helped me greatly in raising my daughters long distance and making sure that we gave both daughters an option and a safe place when ever they wanted to come down and live with us.

My wife has a huge love of Hydrangeas and she had made it her flowers of choice for our wedding, I will never regret marrying her at all, I love her with all my heart and will remain faithful to her no matter what because she is my soul mate and she is my heart, when she told me she wanted a divorce it was if my heart had been ripped out of me.

This may seem to be ramblings that are not in order but for me to live each day to be so close but unable to change her mind which I will not do because I would never force her to change her mind even if it is the wrong decision, but it is the one she has made, I will respect her wishes no matter what. I would rather that her family be mad at me than at her because she needs the love and help that they can give her while she tries to discover who she is instead of trying be what everybody wants her to be. In our 8 years of marriage, I never once thought of another female because my wife was my life and my heart and most importantly my best friend.

To her friends please be there for her because she is really unable to do what is necessary to keep her life in order, I cherish the fact that her friends welcomed me into their circle as one of them without judging me at all. I will always cherish the times spent with them on holidays and other times as well.

To her friend who lives in California I saw you as her twin sister because you both thought alike which at times was quite funny at times because you both even sounded alike on the phone, I ask that you be there for her even if just on the phone to talk with her.

Like I said there are two sides for every story I will keep mine to myself because of the love that I have for my wife, I would rather be the villain so that her family and friends will be there for her as that is what she needs the most at this time in her life, so that she will find who she is. For those who wish to ask me, please be there for her, she needs the love and support right now. It hurts to much to be in the same state as she lives in right now, knowing that I am still married to her but she doesn’t wish to stay married it is tearing me up inside but I would rather have her friends and family focus on her because she desperately needs the love and support as she battles her demons that are inside her mind. Read my 2nd post titled Freedom

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25 comments

  1. My husband has had severe depression for over a year and I feel like I could have written this myself. He says that he loves me, I am his best friend, and he’s loves our life, but he is so depressed he thinks maybe it is our life that is doing it and he is contemplating leaving the relationship. This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.


  2. Your posting gave me the chills…you are brave and loving. I wish you the best.

    MTD
    http://www.married-to-depression.blogspot.com


  3. My husband also suffers from depression and refuses to get help. I feel like he is punishing me on a daily basis by isolating, ignoring me, lashing out in anger etc. Our once incredible dream marriage of 8 yrs. has turned into a nightmare.

    Stay strong…you are a very nice man.


    • My husband also suffers from depression and its ruining my family. Whenever its starts to get better or a glimmer of hope its almost as is he sabotages all the work that was done. I am sad, angry and frustrated. I feel I cannot give him the love and support he needs.


  4. I’m really sorry about what happened to your marriage. My wife has depression and I have a really hard time even owing up to that fact. We are never intimate, maybe twice a year. she is not interested in me at all it seems. we have been married 9 years and she seems to hate everything that is happening in her life. We have three kids. She wats to run away and not come back. We are not divorced or even separated but it is very hard to live in the same house with someone you love and get no love at all. Kissing me seems to be the last thing she wants to do right now. She even says she loves me but doesn’t know if she wants to be married. I can’t tell tell you what would be worse, being away from the woman you love in another state or being in the same house. I wonder if that makes sense. It’s hard being alone.


    • I feel the same way. My wife of 14 years up and decided that she has grown apart from me and no longer loves me. She has admitted she needs help with her depression. Its been 2 months and don’t know how much longer I can live with this. I love her with all my heart. I just feel like I am the only one trying. Divorce is not an option. We have 4 wonderful kids, it would destroy them if we seperated. She knows this, I know this, why can’t she snap out of this funk.


  5. My wife has depression, and is now getting treatment. It is terrible. I love her more than anything in the world. I feel like I am losing her, but we have not been intimate for a pretty long time. I do not know how long I can hang on even though I really want to. Maybe I am not strong enough. Many men are going through the same thing. Thanks for writing that.


  6. I suffer from depression. And I can see what it is doing to my husband and our marriage. There are two forces within me. One that is shattering into peices at the thought of losing my husband because of this, and one that is kicking and screaming to get away from EVERYONE, regroup and find myself again so that I have SOMETHING to add to my marriage. I feel useless, pathetic, and ruined by my own emotions.
    I know that I love my husband, but I am also angry and resentful towards him. And there can’t be both. I completely and utterly lost, and terrified.


    • I am now seeing just how bad things can be because of depression.


  7. HI!
    Very NIce BLOG.thise is important site for depression people. See how to FREEDOM stress or Depression.


  8. I admire your commitment that you write about to your wife, how you want to allow her to receive the help she needs. I hope she knows how you support her!

    Two years ago I suffered a bout of major depression that scared my family because I no longer knew where I was going in life. They had always seen me as the intelligent girl who knew who she was and tried hard in school. I wish they would have learned more about it and just listened to me, not criticizing me or telling me how I should be doing things. Or let their fear keep them from growing through my pain, and I know it caused them pain seeing me.

    I am not married, but am currently dating a depressed man whom I understand better because of my own struggle with it. Pray that as we pursue marriage we can guard ourselves from letting our emotions rule our minds. We believe in the power of Jesus Christ to heal, who said “I have come that they may have life, and have it more abundantly”- and personnally I have found that seeking God calms my fears and allows me to heal.


  9. I’ve been with my girlfriend nearly two years and we moved in together late august this year. We’re both 19, and she’s suffered from depression since she was 15/16. I’ve learned how to deal with her when she is depressed but I made the mistake of making her my #1 priority. I’m in my 2nd year of university and I’ve only made a couple of friends – it’s destroyed my social life and I’m really suffering. My family and friends who I’ve talked to about it suggest I just leave her… they care about me but the fact that they say that leaves me feeling completely alone in this like nobody really understands.

    I just want my life and my girlfriend back.


  10. I appreciate what everybody has said here. I have been dating my current girlfriend of five years and fiance of almost a year and just a week ago she called our wedding off and made it clear she no longer wanted to date. She has been taking depression meds for awhile and seeing a consuler about many things that have occured in her life. she is experiening many of the things you have mentioned above and I know like the man in the orignal post she is my one in only and I still see if in her. I don’t want to lose her, but I want what is best for her. Thank you for those who posted your stories I hope it will help her know she not the only one to feel this way.


  11. I have suffered with depression on and off for 17 years. I had an extremely bad breakdown in January 2007 which I started recovering from in the last 5 to 6 months. I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for just over 3 years and 2 weeks ago he told me he wanted a trial separation, which now seems to be permanent. The main reason for this is that he says he has been unhappy for the last year, although he always denied there was anything wrong when I asked him why things were changing between us and what we could do to get back to the wonderful, loving relationship we used to have. He says that although he still cares for me, he does not love me as a wife and no longer finds me attractive mainly due to the crippling self-esteem issues I have had as a result of the events leading up to my breakdown. He says he is tired of the drama this creates in our lives and I have worn him out emotionally and he can’t cope with living with me and my depression any more. Whilst I do understand this, I wish he had been honest when I asked him what the problem was, as this has made my depression even worse, as I thought I was being paranoid in thinking there was something wrong rather than being correct, as he now admits there has been a problem all along. The main point I’m trying to make here is if you don’t feel strong enough to cope with a depressive (and believe me, I don’t blame him or anyone else in his position), it is better to be honest sooner rather than later. It might be difficult in the short term but is much better in the long term for both the sufferer and those around them. I wish all those of you who suffer as I do and all those of you who suffer alongside us the best of luck.


  12. I think my husband might be depressed. He has been cold, withdrawn and angry all week, since his 43rd birthday. When I finally got him to talk to me tonight, he said it was our marriage making him feel alone and unhappy. He will probably leave me. The thing is, up until very recently I thought we were so happy. He was always sweet and would speak to me so lovingly. He spoke about me that way as well, and we have always been demonstrative and affectionate. We’ve had issues in the sex department (because of his high blood pressure I thought) so it wasn’t perfect, but it was so wonderful to be married to my best friend. We seemed so in synch. And now, it’s like everything changed overnight. If it’s not an affair (and I don’t think it is, although I guess you really can’t know for sure) could it be depression? His business is being affected by the economy and I know he’s worried about money but he seems to be blaming me for everything. I just want my husband back. What can I do?


  13. I have been married to my wife for nearly three years. I suffer from severe depression and have done so since I was 13. I am 28 now and the pain gets worse because I still face the demons of having made some bad mistakes in life,including being in an abusive relationship. My ex tormented me emotionally and sometimes hit me. For those people suffering from depression who are married,remember,YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! There is someone there who can love you through this but you have to want to rise up out of this. When we go through bouts of depression,our spouses go through it with us. For the spouses of the depressed,stay by our sides if you can. It is your love that will help us see that life is worth living,that all will be ok. I thank God for my wife,she has stood by me through all of this. But as I said,the depressed cannot do this alone though we feel alone. We should try and also seek counseling to deal with what is going on inside and find what is blocking our happiness. To all who are reading this,God Bless and you will find Peace.


  14. I am recently married and am in a relationship with my Wife for around 1 year. We live together and she is having bouts of depression for periods of 2-3 months 2-3 times a year. She is an engineer and I thought it was just the stress of school that was pushing her down – we both did. However, now that she is out it is obvious that it is not just stress, it is depression. I love her dearly, but I don’t think I want my life to begin with a depressed wife. I’m so torn because I love her so much, but every time I think about it it seems like the smart choice is to break it off before we have kids and get settled. I could use some advice. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone.


  15. My wife of 8 yrs has realized she’s depressed. It has been going on for a while, and our realationship has sufferred. She has now moved out, to get help – but I’m guessing this is the end.

    It’s pretty sad – because I really love her, worked hard and always put our family first. For her sake I hope she overcomes this – for mine I just want the girl I married back.

    To everyone out there – your not alone. And if we end up in divorce I’m moving to a beach in Mexico, start a beach bar and drown my sorrows.


    • Can I come?


  16. I have been married to my wife now for almost 5 years and together for eight years. Looking back she has probably sufferd from severe depression most of her adult life. She is now 37 yrs old. I became resentful of her depresion , due to her lack of help around the house.. and being a “partner”. Our sex life became practically none existant. Outside of going to work most of her time was spent laying in bed with no drive or initiative.. It caused a seperation in our relationship as I became angry about having to do everything for the family. The family consisted of me her and her two sons (my step-kids). The children would always come to me with their issues instead of their own mother because they could obviously sense the isues at hand and they also today suffer from issues that affect their lives. Both kids 12 and 13 are extremly immature and one is being treated for OCD and is currently on prozac. I have asked her to go for help and have even asked to go for joint counseling and she refuses. For my own sanity I need to leave this marriage and am filled with guilt. I worry for the kids and her own well being. I need to be happy and move on with my life. I just cant exist as we are now existing. Depression is a family disease that affects everyone. I pray that she never hurts herself, she has stated numerous times she wishes she could just die and has indicated suicidal thoughts ….The scary part is she is a nurse and has the means and access


  17. After reading this I feel the exact same way. After 9 years of marriage my wife wants out because she thinks that she will be better off by herself. We are seeing a counsellor together and she is seeing one individually as well. This disease does run in her family and has been dealing with it more and more since she turned 30 six years ago. It just kills me to see her go through this. On top of this I recently had a heart attack a week ago on my 33rd birthday. It was a mild one but enough to scare me to try to live a little healthier and quit smoking. She of course now blames herself for my heart attack. I told her that it’s not her fault and it’s because of my family’s genes that this has happened. I don’t know what to do anymore I love her so much and her family is awesome. I always enjoy being around her parents. Her mom is devistated and she doesn’t know what to think anymore. I love her so much that it kills me to see her hurt the way she does and I am afraid that I may lose her. I to the point now that I want it to work out but do I keep trying and possibly kill myself doing it (another heart attack) with the stress and anxiety or do I let her go.


  18. It is really hard to be in a one sided love affair, much less a one sided marriage. I’m sorry that you went through this. I know what it’s like to love and trust someone just to have that love and trust betrayed time and time, again. Sometimes, people build dreams because it’s what they think the other person wants, but it’s all a fantasy, and doesn’t really exist as truth within them. It makes them look good, and while they might wish, in the beginning, to be like that, they aren’t really and never were. The only person who gets hurt in this case is the person who believes in and trusts them, soul deep.


  19. As unfortunate as it seems, I take solace in knowing I’m not alone. I’ve been with my wife for 8 years, married the last 4 but we have been separated for the previous year. Her life hasn’t shaped up the way she had dreamed it would, and after a degree, and a masters degree, she’s still working the same job she had before. We thought starting a family was the next step in life – but that only pushed her into a deep depression when she didn’t get pregnant and she spent more and more time away from home. She eventually started acting like a spoiled teenager and became very unreliable, selfish, and distant. The way she acted towards me was very hurtful and pushed me into a depression. It was only a matter of time until I came home one day and she had moved out. She stoped taking her meds, she stopped seeing her counsellor, and she’s been living on the beach like a 20 yr old without a care in the world while I’m at home paying the bills and the mortgage. It’s a good thing she didn’t get pregnant or we would be in a real mess. I’m giving her separation agreement papers tomorrow. It’s the most difficult period of my life so far…I love her…but she is not the woman i married and I don’t think she has any intention of helping herself get back to where she was happy and healthy. Her instinct is to run away and I’ve no choice left but to let her. I hope and pray she can find herself and make a decision soon – I just hope it wont be too late.


  20. I dont know if you are still dealing with this. I have been on both sides of the coin now.

    I had a relationship with my ex fiancee. She was depressed and went to counselling. I did everything to help her, I bent over backwards, tried to change for her put up with her distancing, an affair, she thought psychodelic drugs would help. Years of my life went by, trying trying trying to help her be happy. She ended up having another affair and just leaving me. She pawed around for an excuse to dump me until she found one. She was mistreating me badly for a long time and eventually I exploded when I found out about the second affair. She used this as an excuse, labelled me as “abusive” and just left at 5 oclock in the morning and never entertained the thought of coming back. It was a complete waste of my time. I would have been better off dumping her and finding someone who treated me better and who’s happiness wasnt conditional on me changing.

    I am now in a relationship with another woman who hid her depression behind actual tangible medical issues. The issues are all solved and the depression remains. She sleeps all day, cant clean up after herself, does not work, spends money like water, cant form a routine. I am at wits end and thinking of breaking up with her, but her kid has taken to me as a stepdad which makes terminating things hard, along with her fragile state and suicidal thoughts. Given my former experience I know it isnt my job to make her happy, I’m not going to try to be her therapist, and I’m not going to change any facet of myself for her to make her happy. When she whines and complains about how horrid life is with me I point at the door and tell her she can leave if she wants. She has been seeking help and I have been patient but I’m thinking about leaving her because 3 years of a disaster zone house and an absolute lack of integration with the real world on her part is taking it’s toll. Its not my problem it’s her problem. What has kept me around so long is trying to provide stability for the kid. Unfortunately I know if she does leave, the kid is going to say after a while she wants to live with me and that will be devastating for her; although I wont at all play into it unless the kid is actually in some danger.

    Given my two experiences I would say to the author (from being there) that her leaving is a good thing. It is important to have a spouse who is on the same mental wavelength as you, with a solid mental foundation. Being the white knight gets you nowhere, and even mentally stable people dont take into account all of your grand sacrifices when they want to do something else. Focus on enjoying life each and every day. If your spouse is in the way of that terminate the relationship, your better off on your own.

    Dont buy this death till you part BS. Stick it through and try to resolve things but when you realize that things arent going to change then you’re the only one doing the trying and they arent doing their part. Theres no sense in suffering because someone else isnt fulfilling their end of the bargain.


  21. Thanks to this great man of spirit called Dr Idibia which I don’t know how to thank him for the good work he has Don for me and family which I want to share my testimony with to you all so I was married to Hassan Moel and my name is Julie deshields for six years now he left me with two kids with know reason which I don’t know what to do.so one day i was in my friends place when I exposed my pain to her about my depression which I have be looking for who to help me out of it then my friend called me closer to her self telling me on how she got this great man of spirit who helped her found her way to get her husband back then I ask of his contact she quickly go and get her computer and gave me his Email ID and his number so,that is how I contacted him for a help. And now am so happy with my family and with a happy home if you are in such pain kindly Via Email {greatidibiaspelltemple30@gmail}.com or call +2348103508204 have faith in him and he will help you
    Julie Deshields.



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