h1

FREEDOM

July 4, 2007

I started my road to freedom on may 18, 2007th, that was the day I started working for my current company and they have me living on the road going from state to state. This has been quite fascinating and a stark change of state of mind for myself, I no longer had to walk on egg shells around my wife, and I could relax and since then. A lot has occurred that has made me realize the stress that I was under trying to see to her needs 24/7 day in and day out I no longer care about what she does even though I care, and love her dearly.

I have come to realize that we didn’t have a marriage but a co habitation living arrangement with the marriage document which in all was a sham on her part because she never once acted like she was married and tried very hard to keep me separate from her life, she didn’t want to have one checking account she stressed that we keep out monies in separate checking accounts, not once would she confide in what she wanted out of life in general, but make constant criticism of what i wasn’t doing right and mainly wrong. The latest is she sent an email that demanding that I no longer have contact with friends that I have made and contact with her side of the family.

Her parents don’t realize that she has been going down hill with the depression, she has been become quite adept at lying and deception. She has tried to make them believe that it is what I had done that made her decision to get a divorce, but I had been contemplating in leaving her and saying please get the divorce I cant stand being in this charade of a marriage because its more of a living arrangement to benefit her and only her. I feel hurt and abused emotionally and mentally, but the best thing that I can do is get the annulment from the church so that basically the marriage never truly was a marriage, but more of room mates living together she made it plain that we would literally never sleep in the same bed even after getting married, to me that isn’t a marriage at all. I tried to have her attend my side of the family functions but she made every attempt never to attend one function and if she did it was always that she became ill, I stopped making excuses for her and just said it laura what can I say. Her excuses were real flimsy at best but my family still welcomed her into the family no matter what.

It will soon be two months that I have been living on the road and the accusations by her have now started thank heavens I am not even in the same state as her, since we have separated I have been to our place to pick up my 3 suit cases, and garment bag, then to pick of some meds for my neck and therapy, and the final time to drop off a laptop that my oldest daughter will be picking up. and all three times I had called to inform her that i would be stopping by and to either pick stuff up or to drop something off, and I never stayed for more than 10 minutes at most. The further away from her I feel safer mentally and emotionally.

I have limited contact with her and she doesn’t know where I am at and I feel that it is in my best interest that she doesn’t know. I now wake up feeling that I have slept and not on edge the moment I wake because I never who I would wake up to each morning lately its been not the lady that I thought I had married but somebody else and a complete stranger filled with hatred because she wont accept responsibility for her actions, she always tries to make it so that she is and will always be the victim at all costs even if it means to do so will harm others.

Again i hope that her family recognizes the fact that the depression has gotten worse not better and that she needs a therapist that will see that she puts on a great act so that it will always be that she is the innocent bystander. I have my freedom by living on the road and no walking on egg shells for me an I feel relieved since then, I am calm not wondering what will set her off or that i have to be there for when she starts crying because of some alleged harm has befallen her. The relief is mind boggling to me, at first I thought that I wouldn’t know what to do, but I actually am relieved and I go for walks, work out, chat with normal people that I have to take care of emotionally. it feels like 500 lbs have fallen off my back.

Advertisements

2 comments

  1. Omigosh! What you have been through is awful. I’m glad you got a way from it, and are starting to live your own life, rather than living on the fringes of someone else’s. From what I have seen of your comments you are quite an amazing person, and you just deserve a whole lot better than what you have gotten. No one deserves to be treated like that. HUGS


  2. It was like I was reading my own words. I feel soooo lost. I know someday I will move on but the thought hurts me so much. Thank you for your post. Scary similar!!!!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: